It's been twelve years. Well - technically it was twelve years yesterday. 1/31/1997 *sigh* Parts of it are a blur and parts are so crystal clear it's like they happened yesterday. Like the smell. I'll get a whiff of lawn mower exhaust and that day comes crashing back. Or the panic I felt when the cops asked if I was sure the kids were at school and not somewhere in the house. But I barely remember calling 911 and I don't recall anything I said to the kids when the cops brought them home from school.
I still miss him. I guess I always will. And part of me would like to have him back. But another part knows that if he hadn't died I would have never met my current husband who I adore or had two more kids that I wouldn't trade for the world.
It's a very odd feeling and not something I feel comfortable talking about to my DH or to my friends. Because let's face it - it's a depressing topic. And I wouldn't want my dh to think I love him less just because I loved someone else first and still miss that person.
It feels really strange typing this out and tears keep welling up in my eyes. I refuse to write more setails. Brings up too many sad thoughts. In fact I might come back and delete this post - but for now I think I need to keep it around for a couple of days.
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2 comments:
We are who we've become because of the adversity, challenges, difficulties, losses, joys, happiness, triumphs and successes. I wouldn't have such a wonderful friend and would have never found a church family nearly as tremendous as I have if things had been different. As much as I know it hurts, and it sucks immeasurably for you, one of the bright spots that has come of it, is that I have you for a friend and you even love me for all my crazy quirks and idiocyncracies.
Don't delete the post. Ultimately it honors both men in your life, past and present.
Ours is a strange and unusual friendship. And it's debatable as to who is strange and who is unusual.
We can't really regret our past if our present is wonderful.
Life is a cause/effect.
You seem like your soul is in a peaceful place and you appreciate all you have.
It's inspiring.
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